Before I start, I'm sorry for not posting anything for many weeks. Anyway, ...
“It will never be easy, but it will be worth it.”
I live by these words.
I am going to be very raw, real, and honest today. So if I make any mistakes, typos, and/or errors, I hope you can understand and value the depth and connectivity of this blog post that I am about to write.
I had a conversation with a bestie of mine that left me with thoughts and relativity in these last three months. She had some truthful, downright honest and breathtakingly beautiful insights about life that left me in awe. I sincerely feel like I should share her story with you. I couldn’t express it better than a story narrated by me with her point of view. Here it goes…
I tried to write it on her behalf, so reciprocate as far as possible from her point of view. I tried to quote her exact words…
Here it goes…
… To the most heartfelt conversation …
“Hey, I want to share something personal. Please let me know what you decipher from it…
…These three months weren’t as easy-going as I thought them to be. As you know, I have recently graduated with my bachelor’s degree. I had started writing on blogger app by Google (something completely unrelated and different from my academic knowledge) two months in the new world outside college life. To my surprise, I got an amazing response. The blog. In a world to openly read my thinking. It was scary, overwhelming. Bringing my thoughts out for the world to read and judge them was something I never deemed possible. I didn’t have the courage to put forth my words and gather the strength to have them judged. My journal and dairy were the only two friends whom I went to pen down my feelings. I was suggested by my brother, if I write my feelings and my heart out, I should start writing a personal blog. I took his advice. I wrote everything and drew some art and mixed them together into a combination which bloomed into the very essence of help I was seeking out into the universe.
It was some help I dictated myself to pursue.
There was no limit to the words (unlike the college essay word limit, Lol right?) which were coming out shaping themselves to form a string of heartfelt sentences. These words connected a fragile mess with a brittle hope in a way compromising the odds of a dream turning into reality. This blog showed me that there were some realness, humbleness, and kindness of a spark out there. So here I am about to share something, so deeply etched down in my memory lane, I honestly don’t care now whether I will be judged from it. I hope you understand bestie.”
[At this point I was worried as well as curious as to what she was so concerned about. I couldn’t help but notice the pain in that honesty. I had never seen her like that so it made me wonder what she was about to talk. Afterall, we had been friends since forever. Her being so weird, telling me she didn’t share something, the person with whom I literally shared my life with, was something scary for me too.]
“My art and words were a mere attempt at healing and growing. Nonetheless, this is the other side of a coin, an eclipsed dark truth, the burning fire that eventually gave birth to a phoenix from its ashes. It is still difficult for me to digest this about myself and have the words properly match to speak what I am feeling right now. Umm.. arr.. okay! Umm… I was abused, bullied and taken advantage of, as a young girl. From the ages of five to nine, I was constantly abused and forced into doing things brutally vague and excessively binding on my emotions that managed to dig a hole and live with me all my adult life. It wasn’t easy keeping this to myself, not sharing it with my friends or even my family, as a matter of fact even you bestie, for over a decade and maybe that’s why I was always scared and used to opt out of any slight risk coming my way. I shared it with someone, I’m sorry about it now, only to be left out in the end. It was all the situation and circumstance that I went into sharing it with that person. It only severed the damage that was already present. I somehow made myself to think straight and wore up a dress of courage and had a conversation, a sad but the most helpful conversation, with my family. I realized I wasn’t alone. It was all I needed to hear at that time. I was supported and loved by the people I can proudly call mine. I wrote some healing words and kept on writing and pouring my heart out with ink and paper. Eventually, I created a blog. I’m sharing this with you and it is just helping me more. I was amazed at how words held a miraculous energy of making and breaking. You have no idea how much relieved I am feeling by just telling you about this past. I am sorry I couldn’t mention anything before and I know like always, I’ll have you bestie, at my constant support.
But know this.
Then there was this flashback.
Bestie, as you know, I had a meltdown last November when I revisited my childhood place. I shut down every modes of conversation and you knew, somehow, I was having troubles. The connection of us, maybe. But I never told you the entire truth. The real reason was that this memory came back to me. And, everything, every memory awoken from the corners of my mind I had locked away. It wasn’t easy. I definitely wasn’t prepared to handle what was gushing its way up the memory lane. It felt like a burden clinging onto me. A heavy invisible mass, having no forms of physical appearance. It was only because I had my family by my side at that time, that I could get through what was happening.
I know being broken and feeling helpless is something we all go through once, some of us don’t share it out of intimidation but trust me on this, the moment I knew I had at least one person to call my own, I felt like I had conquered the universe. For me, I had my family and wonderful friends like you. I felt lucky, blessed to be living and happier than ever. Those years spent afraid, subconsciously affecting every aspect of my choice, decision, friendships, relationships, and every dynamic of my well-being just seemed a tiny speck of wound which needed healing and time to grow through. It took me almost fourteen years to finally make peace. I am thankful for it because it has only made me stronger.”
[I write her exact quoted words]…
“What a feeling to realize heartbreaking truths of life and still hold the courage to enjoy its breathtaking beauty.”
At this point, I was in tears. The person I knew since childhood, had gone through a phase I couldn’t even imagine as possible even if I wanted. There was no sense of gratification.
I can only say, as I told her, there is an amazing and incomparable strength in the realization of gratitude. The way she took that reality, only to resurrect herself from the dirt, is something very few of us can possess a defining sense of courage for, and, manage. She was actually thankful for the experience, instead of moaning and/or complaining and decided to take a leap to a fresh new life. The one she was genuinely happy about and consciously thankful for. Yes definitely, she has her people to talk about it, but realizing that and coming out to have a talk is also an act of courage.
I can only say, be thankful for what you go through, it grows you.
I believe, Gratitude, unlike any habit, is a form of life. Accept it, practice it and see the most pressurized coal turn into a scintillating diamond.
Also, I am sorry if I haven’t been able to write these few weeks lately, but I was only trying to have a reference of peace and realization about certain aspects of life. I was shaken and sad myself too. I spent some really good time with my bestie (time knows to heal all !) and a warm new experience I too went realizing the power of gratitude. Also, I had some projects I was working on.
Nevertheless, be thankful for every aspect of life. The breath you take and the sky you live under is enough reason every day to be thankful for. I also read on the internet that gratitude replaces negativity and has proven to be beneficial for health and wellness. I guess this fact may have a side of the coin of its own.
To specially mention, I’m thankful to every one of you reading this to respect me enough to give me my time in these non-posting days. All 2600 of you, my followers, and, the recurring readers are genuinely thanked and hold a place in my heart. (even though I didn’t have an active participation, you showed me your love and support through following and liking and commenting on my blog) It is because of you I feel I hold an important purpose in life. Love you for the support and a ignition of encouragement. I feel obliged.
I conclude by saying, believe in yourself and the amount of universe that resides within you. Be thankful for the Stardust and Moonbeams that made you, you. You may live in this world, but the universe resides within you.
Oh, last but not the least,
Happy New Year Everyone ! Ah, 2018 ! I know it’s a little late but celebrate the remaining 10 months to the fullest !
It’s 3:30 am and I need some coffee now.
Till next time..
—–Have Hope. Keep Faith—–
February ‘ 2018, Aishwarya Shah
My Instagram – EclipsedWords
Thank-you for reading and supporting. Love you for that.